Vampire Meet & Greet
by yo-digitty-yo-yo
Summary: I interview the vampires from SVM, Vamp Diaries, and Twilight for some silly, fangtastic fun! I put this originally as a crossover, but realized that it didn't show up on the search majig, so I changed it to normal. Forgive me *wink*


**A/N:** Just some silly SVM/Vamp Diaries/Twilight fun ;) I didn't know where to put this, since it has a characters from different thingies, but I'm comfortable in SVM, so here it is!

Not my shit, please don't sue. I just threw out my colander... Oh, and I'm super sorry, but this is beta-less. Enjoy at your own grammatical risk! ;)

On with it.

**Vampire Meet & Greet**

The cold, empty warehouse building was stark and obviously industrial. The relics of broken and dusty machinery littered the echoing space, and six cold metal folding chairs were spread out in a circle in the moonlight that filtered through a row of very high, very dirty windows.

Four men walked into the warehouse, seemingly dazed and a bit confused. They filed silently towards the chairs, and sat down one by one, the metal of their seats squeaking loudly against the concrete floor. None of them had spied me yet, perched silently on my own metal chair – they all appeared too confused and disoriented; two reactions which were very unfamiliar to vampires…

**Eric Northman: **"What the fuck am I doing here?" The old and sexy vampire growls his displeasure at me for being yanked out of Shreveport, LA… and away from Sookie Stackhouse. It may have been my imagination, but the Viking did look _slightly_ intrigued and less annoyed when he caught sight of me. I do look plenty like his blonde wifey, though with, ah, _better_ teeth and quite a bit taller.

**Damon Salvatore: **"I'd like to know the same thing." Damon doesn't look displeased, only curious as he scans my body up and down before settling his startling clear eyes on my face, and wearing a breathtaking crooked grin. He leaned towards me and wiggles his black eyebrows.

**Stefan Salvatore:** "Damon…" Stephan moves as if to restrain Damon, thinking perhaps he might attack me. His brother rolls his eyes theatrically.

**Damon Salvatore:** "Lighten up, bro. Just having a little fun! I know you're away from Elena, but don't get your lilly-white panties in a twist."

I chuckled. As did Eric.

A sallow looking, yet undeniably pretty boy demurely raised his hand from his seat in the corner.

**Edward Cullen:** "Excuse me Miss, uh, Diggity? I think I'd like to know the purpose of our presence as well. Bella and Reneseme are hunting mountain lions and I would like to return to them as soon as possible, to ensure their safety."

**Eric Northman:** *scoffs* "Mountain lions? Seriously? Are you even vampire?"

Edward leans back to address Eric, and his face glitters a bit in a shining shaft of moonlight. He frowns.

**Edward Cullen: **"Yes, of course I am a vampire."

Eric and Damon's faces are priceless at the sparkly-sight. Their lips split simultaneously into wide smiles as they burst into very loud laughter. Stefan didn't laugh, he merely looked at Edward with… was that pity? The quartet of dead men seemed to have forgotten my presence entirely as they either guffawed or sulked.

**Damon Salvatore:** "I don't think that sparkly shit helped out your claim at all there, Puss-ward."

**Stefan Salvatore:** "Damon…"

**Damon Salvatore:** "Shit Stefan. What are you, our mother? Chill out."

**Edward Cullen: **"I don't see how that was necessary…"

A fifth man strolls into the room, looking a bit lost. He has dark hair, a stiff demeanor, and brown eyes which scan the area. Finally his gaze levels on me, and the new vampire bows with a warm smile.

**Bill Compton: **"Miss Diggity! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Eric rolls his eyes at the trite southern manners of Mr. Compton.

**Eric Northman: **"Really Bill, must you ooze that sickly shit of yours all over every blonde and busty young woman you come across? I know I stole Sookie from you, but you honestly don't have a chance in hell with Yo, here. She has the air of a woman who likes to walk on the _wild side._" His dancing blue eyes warm up as the tall Viking glances at me, and gives me a wink. I choke a bit in surprise and giggle.

Damon and Edward stifle a laugh, Stephan stares blankly at his anti-sunlight ring, and Bill scowls at Mr. Northman. The civil-war era vamp takes the last remaining seat.

**Yo-Diggity: ***clears throat nervously* "Ok, well thank you for coming tonight, gentlemen." The vampires all nod at me graciously, with varying levels of amusement. "I asked you all here this evening because – " I was cut off.

**Stefan Salvatore: **"Asked? I wasn't asked. I just somehow came to be here. Elena must be worried… we were just at the Founder's Day party…"

**Damon Salvatore: **"Oh call the waah-mbulance! Shut up, Stefan. None of us were _asked_ to be here! We're fictional characters – we go where we're written to be, dumbass." Damon gave me a smoldering smile and a playful eye-roll.

**Yo-Diggity: **"Ah, yeah, ok not asked… I just sort of wrote you all together. I apologize." The warehouse felt a bit smaller than I had imagined it would be when the idea to shove them all together came into my head... and I had picked a ginormous warehouse! I cringed back a bit from the five powerful vampires. I'm only one little human girl… I'm sure they could all smell my fear.

**Eric Northman: **"Don't scare her, you idiots! Writers like the lovely Yo here are the only reason we exist at all!" He gave me another sexy blue-eyed wink.

**Damon Salvatore: **"Well spoken, Northman. And quit whining about your women, douchebags. They will still be there when you get back, and there is nothing wrong with looking at a beautiful _real _woman in the meantime." He widened his eyes at me for emphasis.

All of their eyes were on me then, and I choked a bit. Again. I cleared my throat.

**Yo-Diggity: **"Ah, well, thank you Eric. Thank you Damon." I gave both gorgeous men a nervous smile. "As I was saying, I _wrote_ you all here together because I was curious about the vampire dynamics between your vastly different worlds and fandoms, and I wanted to ask you all a few questions."

**Bill Compton: **"As the humans say now, Miss Diggity, please fire away." Eric shot Bill a mocking glance at his manners.

**Yo-Diggity: **"Thanks Bill. Ok, first question. How old are each of you?"

**Edward Cullen: **"I am one hundred and nine years old."

**Bill Compton: **"I am one hundred and seventy four years old."

**Stefan Salvatore: **"I am one hundred and seventy four, as well."

**Damon Salvatore: **"Dearest Yo, I am one hundred and seventy _five_ years old!" Damon gloats a little, until the last vamp speaks.

**Eric Northman: ***smirks* "I am not positive of my exact age, human girl, as years were not measured as accurately as they are in modern times, but I am over one thousand years old. These (he nods towards the other vamps) are like infants to me."

WOW. I take a moment to absorb that information.

"Yo", Eric continues, staring at me in a very calculating fashion, "May I ask as to your age? I have recently discovered that modern women find their ages a touchy subject."

**Yo-Diggity: **"You're quite right, Eric. Most women nowadays don't like to disclose their ages, but since I'm in a room full of very, very old men," the vampires smiled, "I don't mind telling you that I am 26 years old."

**Bill Compton: **"That is the same age as my Sookie…"

**Eric Northman: ***chuckles and sneers* "I do believe you mean MY Sookie, Billy."

**Edward Cullen: **"You are lovely for your age, Miss Diggity. My Bella was 16 years old when I met her."

**Yo-Diggity: ***chokes and glares* "Excuse me? _For my age?"_

**Stefan Salvatore: **"She's more than lovely, dumbass… and quite frankly Edward, you are a – "

**Damon Salvatore: **"Pedophile? Old pervert? Editor of UpSkirts dot com?" Edward glares amber-colored daggers at the chuckling brothers.

**Yo-Diggity: ***calms down and laughs like crazy* "Ok ok! Moving on. Out of the five of you vampires, which would you say is the most powerful?" I knew this one would be a sticky question, so I went out with it quickly. That's how I roll.

It only took a moment before all the men answered, nearly simultaneously.

**Edward Cullen: **"Eric Northman", the sparkly vamp deadpanned, looking nervously at his wristwatch.

**Stefan Salvatore: **"Eric Northman." He said this without emotion – simply stating fact.

**Bill Compton: **"Eric", he grumbled, definitely unhappy.

**Damon Salvatore: **"The Northman. Ugh." Damon rolled his eyes, but looked at Eric with something like kinship. I could understand that – they were both bad boys to the bone, but their bones had soft centers.

**Eric Northman: **"Me, of course!" He tossed his gorgeous blonde head and preened a bit at the reluctant, yet unanimous vote.

**Yo-Diggity: **"Of course", I agreed with a smile and a laugh. "Who would you say would be the second most powerful?"

**Damon Salvatore **"Me, obviously."

Eric nodded his head in agreement, but the other vampires stayed silent.

**Yo-Diggity: **"While I agree –" I began. The three other vamps in the room shot me sharp looks, then went back to brooding. "the point of this interview is to probe the dynamic between ya'll, so I'd appreciate it if everyone would give their two cents on why Damon is second behind Eric…?"

Young n' Sparkly piped up.

**Edward Cullen: **"I believe that Damon is the second most powerful because of his ruthlessness. Like Mr. Northman, Damon has chosen to suppress his humanity – shut it off completely, in fact. He kills and compels humans without compunction. While these actions make him abhorrent to me and my family, they do make him more… formidable."

**Stefan Salvatore: **"Yes, my brother is also far more devious than I, and his unwillingness to sustain himself on animal blood makes him stronger and faster."

**Eric Northman: **"ANIMAL blood? As in shifters and weres? You drink that shit? And I thought that the synthetic blood was terrible…"

**Damon Salvatore: ***laughs* "Actually, my dear brother prefers puppy blood."

**Stefan Salvatore: **"I do NOT! I cannot believe you told that lie to Elena. Please do not spread it further to Yo." He shakes his head at me as if to say 'don't believe it, I don't eat puppies.'

**Bill Compton: **"I have struggled for almost two-hundred years to regain my humanity, and even I have not resorted to animal blood. Drinking that must be positively vile. And I am mainstreaming!"

Damon and Eric both shot positive smiles towards Compton for the first time in this meeting. Stefan and Edward glared darkly at the three human-eating vamps.

**Yo-Diggity: ***smiles to break the tension* "So, I guess Mr. Compton is the third most powerful vampire of this group, since you admitted, Stefan, that a diet of animal blood leaves one at a disadvantage?" Bill smiled at me, seemingly pleased at being ranked above Stefan and Edward.

**Eric Northman: **"Yes, Yo, I believe you hit the bloody nail on the head."

Bill bowed his head a little towards me in appreciation.

**Edward Cullen: **"If you choose to look at this situation solely as a measure of physical strength, then I agree… although I know that my wife appreciates my brand of strength. It is called _restraint_."

**Yo-Diggity: ***smiles* "Aw, Edward, you know that you were my first undead love!" Edward looks around at the other vamps and smirks. "But, after careful consideration, I realized that you are a whiny pansy, much like Bill here, who was also my first True Blood love… until I read the books that is, and he was revealed to be a slimy liar and a cheating bastard."

Edward and Bill suddenly looked very angry and very, very frightening. I scrambled backwards so nobody would eat me.

"No no! Don't get me wrong! You are both GORGEOUS…" I yelled frantically. That statement seemed to calm their respective male-vampire egos. Damon, Stefan and Eric were wearing three identical shit-eating grins.

I cleared my throat and forced a pleasant expression after that tense moment. "So, who is the fourth most powerful vampire here?" I asked, with a shaky voice.

**Damon Salvatore: **"Stefan, absolutely."

**Eric Northman: **"Yes. Without a doubt."

Stefan mumbled a bit and glanced at his watch, muttering something about Elena. Edward looked more than a little bit pissed off.

**Edward Cullen: **"Really?" he yelled. "I'm last?" The bronze-hair vamp was gesturing wildly in his agitation. I had never seen Edward lose control of his emotions like this.

**Stefan Salvatore: **"Dude… comeon. You don't even have fangs! I may not eat humans, but at least I have FANGS. And let's face it…"

**Eric Northman/Damon Salvatore/Stefan Salvatore/Bill Compton: **"You _SPARKLE!"_

I fell off my chair, I was laughing so hard…

Edward stormed out of the room in a huff, followed by a hurried, yet laughing, Stefan. Bill Compton gave me an appreciative once-over before bowing again and saying, "Goodnight, Miss Diggity" and disappearing.

I was left in the room with Damon Salvatore and Eric Northman, who were both still enjoying their mirth at Cullen's absent, fangless expense.

They slowly stopped laughing, and twin sets of icy blue eyes stared at me. Two beautiful and rugged male faces smiled at me… I backed away a few steps, very aware that I was now left alone with the two 'badass vampires'. Numbers One and Two on the power list…

But dammit if they both weren't sexy as hell! I knew they could smell both my fear and excitement.

Damon's eyes flooded with blood and purple veins stood out around his pale cheeks. His teeth elongated into ferocious-looking points. Eric's icy gaze darkened and his incisors dropped down with a _click_, and he stared at me hungrily.

_Uh oh!_

Clearly this situation was either going to end very badly for me… or extremely well. I had backed up all the way against the wall of the room, trembling, and had pressed my body back against it tightly. Then Eric's cell phone buzzed in the front pocket of his snug black jeans. He grabbed it and answered the call in a blur of movement.

**Eric Northman: **"Yes, Dear One, the meeting is finished… of course… fried chicken? I'd be pleased to… I'll be home shortly, Lover." The Viking stared at me during his phone call, and his fangs ran back up into his gums with another faint _click_ when he ended the call with Sookie Stackhouse. "It has been a pleasure, Yo, but I must fly."

An instant later a gust of wind signaled the departure of the gorgeous, and deadly, Sheriff of Area 5.

**Damon Salvatore: **"Pussy whipped, all of them." Damon's piercing eyes had returned to their normal human-esque look, but he kept advancing toward me. "Even the Viking, and I have heard of his legendary, uh, exploits. Tut tut tut." The last remaining vampire put his hands on the wall behind me on either side of my head, and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Fools, the lot of them." Damon's cool lips ghosted across the shell of my ear, sending shiver down my spine, and he said: "I am not at all pussy whipped, Yo."

**Yo-Diggity: ***GULP*

**A/N:** Weeeeee! Probably dumb, but I thought it was fun – Heck, whats the point of fanfic if we can't indulge ourselves, right? lol


End file.
